I’m feeling shaky and slightly sick (For the benefit of Americans, ‘sick’ generally is understood as nauseous, pronounced nor-sea-us). It’s not the 2 glasses of wine I had tonight or the Seared Tuna with Wasabi Butter Sauce followed by Cherry and Almond Frangipane Cake, or event the episode of True Blood we watched (and Vampire Deaths are pretty darn gory). It’s a familiar feeling. I get it any time any change is imminent – from the first day back at school after the holidays to when I go to meet Jeremy at the airport. Any time anything is about to happen, good or bad, I feel sick.
Today it's because tomorrow I hand over my last London keys. At the beginning of July I had keys to my flat (complete with a bed and doors), Sian’s flat (complete with sofa rights), Jeremy’s apartment, my parents’ house, the Richmond flat and a work key-card. As of tomorrow the only keys that I’ll own are Jeremy’s, my parents’ (and I’m pretty sure they changed the locks since giving me a set) and ones to the Richmond flat (which I’d get arrested if I tried to use since no one I know lives there anymore). So errr the only functioning keys I own are Jeremy's...digging the depth of symbolism here...
I'm not sure if I'm going to miss London. Growing up one of my life-plan-goals was to live in London for at least a year - I'm fairly sure I imagined it being a lot more glamorous than the daily crush and stench of rush hour...but since it's probably the only life-plan-goal I'm likely to achieve (I'm guessing at this point the likelihood of living in Germany for a few years or of working in a refugee camp in Africa is pretty remote), I shouldn't knock it.
I think I feel for London the same way I'd feel about an irritating sibling (e.g. Jess circa 1999 - 2007) - I moan my head off about it but the second I hear anyone else that isn't a 'Londoner' (Jeremy, for example) say anything negative about it I'm up in defensive arms. Here are 5 things I will miss about London and 5 things I will not:
I will miss:
1. The markets. From Portabello's Antique too-many-tourists-but-look-at-all-the-pretty-jewelery Market to Borough Market's so-expensive-I-only-ever-go-in-to-eat-the-tasters foodie heaven to Spitalfields I-always-come-away-feeling-like-the-most-unfashionable-person-on-the-planet Market...London's markets have such an incredible sense of identity and place that it's impossible not to get sucked in and, at least momentarily, feel like you might want to belong.
2. The weather. Surprised you putting it in this list didn't I? Well, I may not be too chuffed about the weather a lot of the time, but London unequivocally has much better weather than the rest of the country. It's great for feeling superior on a summers day - sitting on the fire-escape barbecuing, smug in the knowledge that the rest of the country is under flood alert.
3. Maria's Market Cafe. An entire Cafe devoted to Bubble and Squeak (I'm not translating that - go look it up). Where else in the world could you order 'Bubble, Bacon and Beans in a Bap' and not get looked at like you have two heads and three eyes?
4. Drinking on Street Corners. No not like that. In the summer, pubs in London just spill out onto the street. Curbs become convenient seats and the atmosphere spills from one corner to the next so that the entire street can feel like one long summer-street-party.
5. Cupcakes. You may think cupcakes are an American thing and,well, you would be right. But London is home to some of the best cupcake stores I have ever happened across (and I make it my business to happen across many). Hummingbird Bakery, Peyton and Byrne and Konditor and Cook are but a few. Oooo and I just thought of another reason, which would bump it to 6 so I'll squeeze it in here: Afternoon Tea. Where else can you get dressed up to go and eat as many miniature cake and sandwiches and drink as much tea as you want?
I will not miss:
1. Being light-years away from people who technically live in the same city. London is big, and if you live in North West London and your friends live in South East London and the Jubilee line is closed for the 10th weekend running, you either have to spend a day traveling or you have to accept the friendship as being of the long-distance-variety and set up a webcam.
2. Cost of living. My friend (who works in London and lives out) pays over £3000 a year for her commuting-out-of-London Travelcard (that's over 100% more than a zone 2 year's travelcard) AND lives in a 3 bedroom house with a garden and it's still cheaper for her to do that than live in a shared flat in London.
3. The weather. Because even if it is better than the rest of the UK, it's still crap.
4. Chick Inn Village (fried chicken chain). It really irritates me because I have no idea what play on words they were going for exactly. Or is it just a big spelling error? Either way it's annoying.
5. The Tourists. Either you walk through their photo and look like a jerk or you stop and wait and stew with rage. I'm sure they'll be in Boston too, but maybe I'll feel slightly more sympathetic since I'll be foreign too.
My one regret with London is that I never really allowed myself to settle here. I was always waiting for change (aka Jeremy) to come and uproot me, so I never properly embedded myself in an area - never squandered annual gym membership or developed routines. I lurched from 6 months to 6 months, whereas had I known 2.5 years ago I'd still be here 2.5 years later I think I'd have invested more time in the London relationship and nurtured it a little.
So it wont be a great loss to my life, this city. And tomorrow when I give up the last of my keys and battle my suitcase through England's pitiful excuse for snow (as usual, 2 cm and the world comes to a standstill. I despair.), I doubt I'll feel much of a pang to be saying goodbye to it. But either way I'm sure London will remain to me somewhat like a 14 year old Jessica - something to be dreaded at times, marveled at at others and defended at all costs.
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