Dear America...

I have a few complaints.

I'm going to forgive you the gaps in public toilets, the insane number and size of pot-holes, the dearth of electric kettles and the poverty of the public transport system. You're a big country, you mainly drink coffee (and well done on the shunning of instant - even I'm not going to champion that), you have massive extremes in weather and for some reason you seem to have a deeprooted fear of getting trapped in public toilets (either that or a latent fetish for peeping on people while they pee)... I'm not judging, every country has its quirks and goodness knows England has more than most. What I'm struggling to get past is quite how under-represented British food stuffs are here and how much you see fit to charge me for that little taste of home.

For example.
Sausages. How did a country, such as yourself, become quite so powerful without ever mastering the art of sausage making? Chorizo has its place for sure, and Italian sausage is pretty tasty but what have you got against Cumberland? Pork and apple? Or just a good old inoffensive Chipolata? To make matters worse, the only sausages I've ever found here, that have any similarities to my beloved English sausages were called 'Irish Bangers'. Irish. The cheek. They weren't all that good though so maybe they can stick to being Irish.

Chocolate. I am baffled. Baffled! That Hershey's is your primary brand of chocolate. Even Americans don't like Hershey's, although they don't seem to have realised quite how foul it is.I can only deduce that there must be a very strong Chocolate hating lobby (probably linked to the Christian far right, since they seem to be responsible for lots of strange things) that campaigns to keep Hershey's in power. One word. Galaxy.

Squash. Not butternut or spaghetti, summer, acorn or pumpkin. Robinson's Squash. The reasonably healthy concentrated juice drink which makes even London water palatable. And do you sell it? Yes. You do, for EIGHT DOLLARS A BOTTLE. If that's not discrimination I don't know what is. I can buy wine for less...in fact maybe that's exactly what I'll do...

Prawn Cocktail crisps. I need them. And I promise, this country would be a far better place with them.

Baked Beans.... ok I actually found out that I can now buy them here and not for an extortionate mark up. This is what progress looks like.

You do get major points though for Jelly Belly, Greys Anatomy, Affordable Sushi, BBQ (English barbecues do have their place but in a war, American BBQ would win solely because of the addition of mashed potato), Sunshine and ummmmmmmmmmm Jeremy. So all is not lost. Just sort out those issues in fact and I think we may be able to be friends.

Yours hopefully,

Hannah