Yard. Please, please, I beg you, do not refer to my parents' garden as a yard. I know that's what you call them in America, I know that 'garden' to you means something along the lines of a vegetable patch, I know you're not intentionally causing grave offence, I know this. And yet whenever Jeremy says something like 'we're having the reception in your parents' yard' (usually in budget incredulity), I feel like throttling him, and I'm pretty sure my mum would bear a life-time grudge against any American that says such a thing (she bears serious grudges does my mum). Why is this? It's because 'yard' in 'English' means 'scrappy patch of land', often concreted and fit only for broken-down cars and rubbish bins (trash cans). I'm serious about this one - put it to long term memory please - it would not go down well.
Pants. Mean underwear. No exceptions. Any reference to pants will receive strange strange looks while people smile and edge away. My grandma may give you a slap around the face.
Cider. Is of the 'hard' variety, always. Non-hard cider is apple juice. The cider at the wedding will probably taste vaguely of manure, be non-sparkling and about 7%. None of this ciderjack or woodchuck crap. I'm a Somerset girl and I know my cider. You will learn.
Fag. If someone says they're going off to 'have a fag', don't have a fit (unless it's because no semi intelligent person should be smoking these days and it's gross gross gross), they're off to have a cigarette. Please smack them for me and tell them they're a muppet.
Scampi. You guys getting this one wrong isn't gonna upset any English people, in fact your perturbation at what will be placed before you will probably cause mild amusement. Scampi in the UK is breaded, fried prawns (shrimp) - no garlic butter in sight.
OK I'm done on the lessons for now. Let me know if there are any points you think the English folks need to know so as to avoid a second revolutionary war in our garden.
In other news, I'm moving to the states on the 22nd Feb and we're getting legally married on the 1st of March. Don't do things by halves, me.
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