Unemployment

I've refrained so far from writing about unemployment, inhibited by the idea that a potential employer could happen across my blog and somehow decide to use it against me. But 'unemployment' is becoming an ever loudening noise inside my head to the point that, some days, it precludes all other sound or thought.

Put simply, it sucks.

I'm not saying it doesn't have its benefits - I have just eaten lunch outside on the patio afterall and I didn't get up until 9.30am. But it does something to time, to days, where it sucks all the life out of them. I can't plan ahead to use all this time that I have because maybe, maybe, I'll get a job and then wont have the time to spare. So it sits, useless, passing me by. On days where I haven't planned anything - where I'm not volunteering or babysitting and there are no new jobs to apply to - the day passes in a haze. I do everything slowly and the smallest task requires the hugest amount of effort. My heart beats into my mouth every time the phone rings or an email pings; beats with hope that it'll be a job offer or interview invite. I miss the fatigue felt at the end of a work-day, miss even the occasional lingering clock-watching days; I miss the joy of leaving the office and reclaiming Time. I know all those reading this with full time jobs will be rolling their eyes in disbelief - the employed version of me, stuck in some parallel universe, certainly is - but it's the truth.

I want to be purposeful again. Volunteering helps but it's not the same. Writing helps but it's not yet been given the stamp of published approval, meaning it could just all be one long exercise in disappointment. I also really, really want to walk into Ted Baker and buy something entirely unnecessary but beautiful and to feel self-justified by the knowledge that I've worked hard for it, have endured multiple Monday mornings for it, have earned it. But, then again, I'm married now so maybe that guilt-free clothes purchase thing is a thing of the past... I need to get a job to find out.